


This is just about me finally being willing to let my emotions flow...

by Mati_noona



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26491747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mati_noona/pseuds/Mati_noona
Summary: A good-bye





	This is just about me finally being willing to let my emotions flow...

Some time ago I read something that said that in order to stop hurting from something, you had to actually let yourself feel that pain first.  
I realized then that maybe I’m still not able to get over you because I never let myself to feel the actual pain that losing you caused me. Afraid of what it could trigger in me a pain like that. I avoided by all means feel the sadness that losing you actually meant.  
When we fell in love I truly believed in destiny and that we were made to be with each other, in spite of the obvious obstacles, so many things around us made me believe that we fitted perfectly, I’m convinced that you though it too. I don’t think I’ve been happier than when I loved you and felt that you loved me back. Being hugged by you and burying my face in your chest was one of the best feelings in the world... And the dark side of having something as precious as that, is that the fear of losing it, or to witness it fade away becomes far too big... and so as time passed and I felt how day by day the importance of our relationship, the importance of myself to you started to wither... Have you ever felt heartbreak as if it was physical pain? I felt it right in the middle of my chest, every day, when we “talked” because what we had during the last stage of our relationship weren’t talks; it was just like checking in... And as I got tired of feeling that pain every day, I started to avoid you. If we didn’t “meet” then I wouldn’t feel the pain that our monotone talks and goodbyes caused me, because they were so frightening... how our talks, that used to be so full of everything and caused us so many emotions, turned in to some kind of “small talk” between acquaintances. I didn’t want to actually believe it, but what was happening eventually would lead you to finally realize that you didn’t love me anymore. And I thought that if we reached that point, it would’ve killed me. Can’t remember if I actually did something to try to stop what was happening... I probably didn’t, or maybe just tried something lame that didn’t go as planned.  
I lost all the faith I had in us, in you and pushed you away. It was a painful and depressing situation but I still can’t forgive myself for not trying harder and not telling you everything just straight to your face.  
I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I’ve loved you for 15 years or so... I’m not sure if I’ll get over you anytime soon, but I want to.  
I’ve pretended to be just your friend in the last 10 years, and I’m sure that by doing that I just messed with my own head. Of course you shouldn’t be guilt free, but this isn’t about your doings, this is only about me. My love for you has changed, definitely. But it’s still very much there... I won’t talk to you anymore, this bad habit of wanting to share everything with you has to die, because I can’t be your friend and have a peace of mind at the same time... That is not enough for me, and you... I have no idea of what you want from me, I’m done guessing. The only thing that it’s clear for me right now is that we don’t deserve each other and that I have to move on.  
So with that I say to you... I love you, but Good bye.


End file.
